life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
