Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
