he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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