I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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