one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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