My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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