Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
