after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
