I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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