i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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