i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
