I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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