It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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