either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
