dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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