I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
