it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
