I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Send help, water and tortillas.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
