My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
