I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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