Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
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I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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