At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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