If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
