You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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