That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We left the knife in your bed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
