Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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