I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
