Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
