wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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