I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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