Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
