Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
