If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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