Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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