I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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