I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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