You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
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some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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