I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
