two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
