my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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