I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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