She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
