I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
