I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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