peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?