Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
