i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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