haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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