I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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