Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
