Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
