Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
