Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
