someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
