If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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