yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
